Father’s Day After the Loss of My Father

This year was the first Father’s Day without our Dad. He passed unexpectedly in late February earlier this year. Some days it feels like forever ago and some days just like it was last week. Late last year/earlier this year, I had begun thinking of a good time to go visit, after we had been vaccinated, to travel to see my Dad. It was going to be Father’s Day weekend.

I still made the 7 hour trip, but instead of going to lunch and having a drink together, I was cleaning out his life long possessions.

His house and property was also our Grandparent’s home. No one ever threw anything out - good or bad, broken or new, if you already had 5 of them or just one. Every nook and corner is full. Full of stuff, full of memories, full of them. Like my Grandfather, Grandmother and Dad were still all there just in the other room. I hate going through everything, every inch of that house. 60 years and 3 generations of life, love and memories are all there. I knew this would probably have to be done I just never wanted to face it and never planned ahead for it.

Things They Tell You

There are a slew of Top 10 Lists on how to cope with a holiday without a loved one. And I’m sure many of those techniques work and I’ve pulled from a few of them in the past and will again in the future. But this first Father’s Day after the loss of my father wasn’t a day to just make it through to the other side. The weekend had to be a full on cleanout from dawn till dusk. I had no time for self-care, to avoid triggers, to distance my self or preoccupy myself with other tasks. I was in the thick of it and there was no escaping.

I went through all his course books, essays and tests from when he got his Mater’s Degree in the mid-2000s. His planners from 1985 through 2018. Gifts we had given him for Christmas’, Birthday’s and Father’s Days before.

I’m holding off on clothing for now, as we all know that can be the hardest part and I’m working on those ‘letting go’ muscles.

Guess he liked that outfit!

He Shaped Who We Are

My dad was an avid learner, a teacher and strong-headed. He didn’t much care for what other’s thought, living life the way he saw fit. He could cry at the drop of a hat or rain fire in the blink of an eye. He taught us responsibility, work ethic and manners. How to be and how not to be. He wasn’t perfect. None of us are. He did his best with the knowledge that he had. He was determined to live life the way he wanted and he surely passed that on to my brother and I.

For all the good and bad, he helped shape the people we are today and for that, I thank him.

Happy Father’s Day Dad